Sometimes I think of what has become of the people whom I don’t talk to anymore. The ones who left me for others, the conversations that I left in the middle and the ones who never really cared but hurt like a deep paper cut in the throat – I think of them and wonder where they would be now.
That old boyfriend of mine who lusted for my body, the girlfriend who laughed at me in front of strangers, the old friend who married and never looked back. I wonder what they would be doing in this moment right now. Are they still the same or have evolved to become a better or monstrous version of them. Are they following the same venomous pattern of life or have moved on to realise the things that went wrong in the past. I wonder if they think at all about what I did and they did. Do they replay the old conversations in their mind like I do? Do they still smile when something reminds them of me?
I just wonder. I just think.
I ponder over the days spent with them because the feelings were true in this heart. No matter how deep the wounds are, the love still lingers somewhere in the body. It makes me shudder with pain, makes me feel nauseous with the pinching stench of the past and shakes me in all the directions with the constant blows of those hard-hitting words. I think about the trips we took together, the roads we traversed with determination, the long phone calls, the overpriced meals at the cosy cafes, late-night concerts, the music that we shared, the things we said, the things we didn’t say – this all come back rushing to me. These thoughts play with my present and consume me and my time. I have less of the latter as the days pass by. As the time comes nearer for me to perish, I feel I have done nothing, for my mind is preoccupied with your thoughts and just you. It still hurts me deeply for the things you did to me. The fact that you never looked back and understood my pain hurts me even more. I too did a lot of things. But I waited for you at the deserted platform. I kept waiting day and night. You never came. You passed off the station in a speeding train giving me a glimpse of you departing. You went away seeing me in pain, crying and wailing. You leaving were nothing less than a loved one dying. It felt like childhood all over again, the time when my mother passed away. You vanished yet kept me feeling wanting each and every moment, every passing second and every iota of this eternity. I see you staring at me from the other side of the river. You look at me and never smile. You make me feel unwanted even more than before. No wonder I couldn’t take it anymore that day. Every thought and feeling of despair perpetrating inside me made me crumble and give up. It made me question my existence, my other relationships and my beliefs. I just couldn’t smile after that. There was a smile like a frown stitched on my face, but my heart cried more and more with each passing day.
Somewhere inside I feel okay that you have left. It was so hard and gruelling. It still hurts, it still eats me inside. But it made me see things like I never did before. You leaving made me find my best friend, Me. This someone whom I never was able to see past you and many others.